darkmist's Blog

Birthday Blues

So today was my birthday and I feel free to whine here about what I can't in real life. My own father got my birthday wrong. I got food poisoning from Pizza Hut and spent the day b4 sick as a dog. My husband works SO hard and I am grateful for him. But... you can't put in ahead of time to get my birthday off work? Save back a buck or two? Can't remember that I despise chocolate cake after nearly 20 years together and come home with a chocolate fudge cake?? Feels pretty crappy and he's my only friend so there's not a soul I can talk to about it. There's been nothing in the house to eat and I spent my birthday starving... again. Next year if I have to walk to a grocery myself I vow to NOT be hungry on my birthday -- this shit-ass cycle ends! I feel that it would be totally normal for a wife to raise hell with not even coffee in the morning for her birthday let alone the fact that you went into work early, no anniversary, no Christmas, no outings or date nights of any kind in a millenium -- dude I'm sad with just hangin' out and feelin' bad by myself so that I don't make you feel bad. I'm 43 and alone. I'm going to go out, leave the house, and find some other people to hang with. I've always said that I don't like chocolate flavored anything... why can't you remember such a thing, any thing but the things you like? Thanks for thinking of me enough to bring home a cake at least. I hope you enjoy it. The thought does count. I fuckin' love you you shit head. I know I should be mad instead of so utterly sad but... I've got the birthday blues.

Noting a Spiritual Attack

I feel like making a note of what's happened this week, and perhaps I may find it helpful in the future. Since moving back into my childhood home for a while a dark energy... probably a demon (I know, Iknow), has re-kindled our connection. While discussing it with my husband this week I've recalled some details that I don't want to loose track of for later reference. I don't think it's been with me since before birth but rather since about the age of 3 1/2. I'd been taken to visit the job site of our new home. While standing in the unwalled upstairs I had a moment of nearly tottering over the edge. I had been looking down when the ground opened up into a toothy pit like a half animal half water well. It was after that I began to play with a boy that no one else could see... sometimes he was a boy others a man shape, others still a boar-like beast. It was explained to me that I had an invisible friend that my mind created because I didn't have other small children to play with and numerous other reasons that made good sense so I trusted them. Well, it's my blog so I don't have to proove to readers that it's real or why I believe it is anyway.

So 3 days ago my energy was feeling low. Our living area has recently become MUCH safer from neighbors domestic violence so I'd removed my "wards", symbols and signs of protection. My husband pointed out that things amped-up after I took them down. So my energy field was feeling drained Friday... I'd actually stated to my husband that I didn't feel like I was fully inside myself and described feeling "something" on my back. My tummy was filled with a burning sensation that always portends a warning. Hmm, said we and shrugged it off, not knowing what else to do but go on with the day.

I got into the shower to cleanse negative energy oogies, but halfway through my thoughts started turning dark and sad. Though I'm not Christian I'll sometimes say a Hail Mary because it's part of my heritage and I believe in the power of the millions of people who pray... it's comforting and taps into a place of sacred energy inside me or in my thought processes. However this one didn't bring comfort. In the middle of a very hot shower the room grew quite cold! My body began to goosebump and shiver. I slid the shower door open to discover that it was warmer feeling outside where I should have been hit with a blast of colder air. My dog, who usually lays on the floor next to the tub was sitting out in the hall looking into the bathroom. He barked aggressively twice then walked into the bedroom, looking back mistrustingly. I doubled up the heart I was pouring into saying that Hail Mary, cast a protection pentagram around my self, and then said aloud for any negative energy or influences to leave me, you are not permitted to affect me, as the body is cleansed so is the spirit and soul. When I got out I felt better.

Off and on through the night I'd feel almost as if I were slipping out of myself a few times. This is not something that I experience, but I'm healing from a virus, I hadn't slept or eaten right in days because of prepping for holiday company, so I decided to put the tv on and take it easy puttering around. I tried several times to burn some white sage but it wouldn't stay lit. I wasn't paying much attention to the re-runs playing but it was a series of paranormal programs, and in discussion of the Bobby Mackie's location. I put it out of my mind but forgot to change the station before my husband came home from work so he caught part of the re-replay. I have a slight history with that location and never liked even driving past the exit on the highway. My husband and I talked a little about the place but moved on to late night Yule decorating. We were having a great time.

 When it came time for bed I wasn't quite sleepy yet so I set down to have a glass of wine and craft a little holiday decoration. I recall having gotten frustrated because the craft ribbon kept like jumping out of my hand as if someone were smacking it. I did get the project done but the next day (and even now) my fingers and hands are covered in bruises where I grabbed the thing so tightly trying to keep hold. I got up to make a cigareette -- we roll our own. The roller kept getting knocked out of my hand. Though it clearly felt like something else was doing it I didn't want to think so because I'd had all of those shows on all night and I felt that my instincts could have been influenced... especially at such a late hour. I got more than frustrated, verging towards angry. I recall asking myself  WTH am I feeling like this for? pa-shaw, I was having a good time! I looked down at the table and then I looked at the clock... 20 minutes had gone by! Where did it go? Was I staring at the table top with no recollection of thought for that long!?  I had no description for how I felt and that did make me angry or scared is more like it. Did I have a brain seizure? I shouted a little "I just want a fucking smoke!".  I don't remember much after that.

My yell woke my husband who said he came downstairs to find tobacco flakes and cigareete tubes all over the place (expensive wastes btw, totally out of character for me!). I shouted some things, shoved some furniture. I stumbled like I didn't know how to use my own body one moment and then leapt around like a yoga instructor on speed the next. He's not talking much about what I said right then... I have the feeling it was something petty, mean, and hurtful. Sure we give each other PLENTY of good reason to get hot at one another but we always work things out rather than go on the attack. HE says that it wasn't me talking and my heart fills with loving joy to know that he doesn't just think I'm a MEAN crazy person. Anyway, so I recall the cold of the basement floor under me suddenly and hearing him say no please don't go into the basement (he doesn't like it down there). I can't even imagine how I got to where I must have been sitting because there are items stored in the way I'd have had to've manuvered around like metal lawn furniture. There was a sound like rushing wind in my ears, not the beating of a high blood pressure under duress but a constant roar like trying to talk to someone while riding a mororcycle. I know that I was saying things and I wanted to stop but couldn't. I felt a sharp jolt when my husband came to me and bent down to take my shoulders. I made a roaring sound and felt like I was "IN" me for a moment so I grabbed mentally for the Rosary. My husband said that I bgan to chant the Rosary prayers (even the parts I don't remember the words to)  faster and faster then began to say it in Latin, then something that sounded like old High German to him. As a child I did attend the Catholic Mass in Latin, but most all High German I know is political paperwork sort of words and phrases. I think my ancestors were praying for/through me! I don't know if it really happened or not because my husband hasn't said anything about it yet but I think my new cat had jumped into my lap like screaming for me and I cuddled her while I prayed. She's shown a strong sensitivity to spiritual energy in the past and I have recently begun to actively work with her in meditation Circle. Then the next thing I recall is being on the basement stairs. I don't remember moving or my husband moving across the room or what was said. He was a step or two above me and I think I was sitting while he was bent down. He's told me that my voice was totally different like an impossibly deep growl. I think he asked honey what happened, what's the matter. Then I roared like a beast from the deepest pits of hell. Something about I'm hungry... I need to be able to FEEEEEEEDDDD! He told me today that when I did that I'd turned my head to him and my eyes were glowing red and I didn't look human. He shot back with the shit about scared out of him. He said that no matter how much he loves me if he'd have had a place to go he would have left that morning (by then it was like 6 AM!). He thought I was going to come after him! He went up to the bed and said he really was scared when I came up to use the bathroom that I was going to get into bed with him! But I guess I did what I had to do and then calmly went to the sofa. That afternoon he woke me before leaving for work and I shot awake like nothing happened, but I was still not feeling right. I spent the whole evening trying to figure out what happened. Not to be gross but my bowel movement for that day had the smell of grapes -- it takes a lot of alcohol to make poopie smell like the booze. I've done that once... once is enough for a smart person to learn not to drink that much again. So when did I get drunk this time? I remember pouring ONE glass of wine -- 1 normal sized wine glass does NOT make a person so drunk they black out. I've NEVER had a blackout from drugs or drinking because I know my own body limits. Never had a wild teenage night where I woke up someplace else the next morning ect. Never have I been able to drink that much if I wanted too but yet here I am with too much wine in my system and my household traumatised!

Now my husband is having to deal with suddenly believing in things he didn't before... seeing things he's never seen. Maybe we are crazy but seeing is believing. I'm thankful that he still believes in ME!  We know we can't just not talk about thee kind of things anymore washing them off with known science. Apherhently he was frequently being pulled out of bed when I sleep on the sofa (feels better on my bones sometimes), things have risen up to fly into his head, scratches that get blamed on the cat, voices and shadows around the bed at night. He thinks that I have a demon or nasty spirit that attacks him but I don't psychically recognise it because I've grown up with it. It sure doesn't seem to like our love and happiness! But those are things that we always want more of so it's not going to be a very pleased nasty spirit demon thing then because we are NOT going to stop. :)

I'm trying not to let if get to me so that my personal confidence isn't smooshed down, but it's very hard not to feel ashamed and beyond embarrased at what happened. I feel like an abusive alcoholic or wife beater kind of person -- this traumatised my entire household! In addition to just being shocked and scared at not knowing what I was doing there is the fact that tiny little me made the huge man who is the heart of all my lifetimes scared of me. :( I never what him to feel like he doesn't want me to touch him again!

All I know that I can do right now is to treat my body and spirit the best that I can... and in truth if I do have some sort of brain tumor or mental illness beyond stresses then sleeping and eating right can only help that too rather than harm. AND get rid of the Ouija board somehow. I never use it but it was in that childhood home for years in the exact location I'd felt most spiritually uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being told to get rid of it but I can't decide how. It's an old collectible in great shape WITH original box -- it just doesn't have the planchet because that had shot off into the closet once and never came back. I won't burn it but I don't want to sell it or give it to someone without disclosing that it did indeed dwell in a paranormal location. People often give things to me for cleaning of spiritual energy and they feel confident when thier item is returned it is indeed clean. I have closed numerous active spiritual doorways in homes and from objects. I just straight-up don't trust my ability to cleanse this board because on the inside I'd really like to keep it as decor and I've lived with this energy for too long that I might allow myself to be fooled by it -- has to go.

Drop me a note if you have credentials to safely handle a paranormal "haunted" talking board and you may have it. If anyone shows interest in this post topic by commenting or whatever I'll try to post updates. Even though this post was for person recording reasons I do invite your comments... even the ones that would tell me it's crazy or that demons aren't real because God isn't real... they're fun to read. If you happen to come upon a bear with rabies while you're walking in the woods do you think that the bear won't attack you just because you don't believe it's real? The bear knows it's real, if that were the case, and it knows your butt is too! Just because you don't believe in a Christian God doesn't mean that the power of the millions that do believe can't manifest demon energies nor does it discount the possibility that the things we call demons may have been around long before Christianity existed. There is even the possibility that a person who believed in life could die and their spirit could become distorted into believing it is demonic. Darkness is dark. Well, on that note I'm going to go lighten up a bit. :)


Staying Married

Everything collapsed. I lost most of the things I'd been bleeding my life away on for the past 10 years. I hovered on the blacker edge of the dark mist, more so than ever before. Now I'm in a recovery of that -- I'm fairly certain. Yes, I believe so, because I'm not huddled on the floor in a ball at the discovery of a bigger bundle of a mess than I thought I was cleaning.

Waiting, waiting for papers to show up in the mail because after a site update or virus hit I somehow lost access to a certain retailing site of which I owed fees for services. I couldn't get into the site to pay and the online contact they offered was generic in nature. No phone. All I could do was wait for a bill to show up in the mail as good feedback, reputation, and credit rating went into the gutter. But I thought to myself, ok I'll get it fixed. Still waiting for something to show up in the mail though. Most of the year has gone by since my last online contact with this retail place, where is a bill?? I found out where it was... in a lunch bag hanging in the pantry! OMF'inG!

So I figure my spouse's motivation for using the lunch box as a file cabinet was to avoid confrontation or making anything worse -- I was in a dark place. However, I think we can all see that this did not make things better. Nor did stashing the IRS letter telling me to reply in 10 days or a tax warrant will be issued against me. Nope, doesn't help at all several months later to find that one. He may also have just simply put a pile of papers aside (in a strange place) to avoid having to go through them. A lot of dishonesty here with missing bills, IRS notices ignored, the court order never mentioned, and a few unpaid check notices to boot. Hee, hee, I have to say that I am not feeling very safe in my environment right now. The phrase holy shit has crossed my lips more than once. I am currently feeling more ALONE than I thought possible before. But I'm cool.

I need this life. It's the only one I've got. I've been enjoying a large portion of the fantasy, now it must be my job to make the fantasy of a functioning life a reality (sans domestic violence). Man, you shit-head, you better KNOW I love you b/c I'm venting on this page instead of in a divorce court! This is JUST the reason people aren't getting married anymore -- one can't trust the other to not get into legal trouble. You must understand too that we have a VERY close relationship -- closer than family blood -- so for him to hide things is rediculous. I was having a breakdown and now within my recovery I must find the will to not just throw the rest of everything away -- I have to be more and stronger than I like certainly, and it's bloody unfair as hell!
 This is so damned HARD!

Step 1- There's apparently a need for a file labelled "Collections & Legal Actions" in the file cabinet.

2 - SHUT UP and don't make things any more stressful than they already are. If my spouse was fearing my reaction being angry before, now it will only confirm the fears.

3 - Go to the local tax office tomorrow. I don't owe this bill. There must have been a mistake when I filed in person last time. All I needed to do before was show the receipt that I'd filed & paid my sales taxes. Now, I certainly need to talk to a person, and inquire as to verifying the outcome has gone through the system.

4 - Now, as for the retail selling site bill... this one isn't in my name. I had multiple shops and this one was opened in his name. It's likely gone on to collections now so how do I find who to pay? It's less than $200.00 btw. The other two stores combined bill is under $100.00, so you can see why this is so silly to let go against OUR credit. I'll never get a home. Ah, but I do have an address for the selling site (which I've been unable to verify til now). So I can write my other user names and explain my inability to get into the site, request a full bill of those at least.

5 - Keep my eyes open, get the mail myself, and hope I won't get surprised by my partner going to jail or something equally as stupid.

6 - Practise making secrets of my own; live, love and learn, but get a back-up plan! Safety nets work if you can afford one or weave a good enough one yourself.

7 - I don't know what the next step is. Maybe these aren't steps and I'm just counting... 8, 9, 10. I probably should be, but I'm not as angry now. I'll try not to worry over what else I don't know.

Grinding My Gears

Ya know what really grinds my gears? It sums up as injustice overall, but I'm talking about what's good for one not being so for the other -- breaking the rules! Look, I used to be an anarchist punker but I grew up and when you grow up you are expected to follow certain rules. I'm fuming mad because, well because I wouldn't get away with it if I even considered breaking the rules and it's not fair for others to get away with what they please. Life isn't fair, I know, but a contract is supposed to be.

I signed a rental contract just like my neighbors did - a lease. Maybe they can't read, but I did read what I signed and even if I hadn't the management was very clear verbally that dogs are not to be tied up outside, or left outside unattended at all. This is supposed to be a nice place to live for all. Oh, says management, and if you do have an issue with a neighbor tell us -- DO NOT APPROACH A NEIGHBOR YOURSELF. It's written on the paperwork like that, in large letters. See, they want to diffuse conflicts before they arrise and because everyone knows the rules work this way there will be no issues. Right. When the guy upstairs had the radio volume way too high we called the office like we though we were supposed to do. They gave him a very nice phone call stating that they understand he can't tell what's too loud until it's pointed out. No worries, thank you much. Right again. The guy was fuming mad as if we got him in trouble and verbally assaulted my husband in the laundry room! If my husband wasn't such a cool kat the police would have been called or worse -- someone could get hurt! Why didn't you just knock on my door he asked. Because they don't want us to do that because it causes domestic violence when people can't control tempers, like you buddy! I'm taking my frustrations out in a blog -- not by dumping stuff over the balcony or stomping on the floor which is someone elses ceiling -- blogging offers anger management. So we're left feeling like a tattle-tail because we followed the rules set in place for everyone's good.

Now, with Winter setting in full force people have stopped picking up after dogs. Every other day I was washing poop off my shoes. The gal next door keeps chaining up her dog and leaving it outside to potty. That is clearly stated in a couple places in the rental papers as a no-no, plus they verbally tell each resident it is not accepted. It's not just the gal next door -- several patios have chains attatched -- but this gals dog barks into my apartment door! I can't have my blinds open because the dog barks at ME inside my own home, which in turn sets my dog to barking. Then the guy upstairs thinks our dog is barking all the time -- we don't allow the dog to just bark BTW. The dog lady states that she moved from a house with a fenced in yard so it's too hard for her to take the dog out. Poor baby. Guess what beatch we ALL in this building moved here from houses and my dog used to have a HUGE backyard to roam. He could go out when ever and how ever long he wanted. He's miserable here waiting for us to be ready to take him out. He had to learn to go potty on the leash because he'd never had to before. It is hard, it's VERY hard to get bundled up just so the dog can take 2 seconds to pee and an hour to find the right spot to poop on, but it's what has to be done. If you can't take your dog outside then you should not have one! That's called being a responsible pet owner. It's a big hassle for us to take our dog out in snow or rain. It's down right miserable to crawl out of bed, get dressed, bundle up extra in Winter and walk the dog before coffee kicks in but that's what you have to do when you live in an apartment folks.

So now what do I do? Do I tattle to the office again, which is probably only going to make me seem like a problem, or do I go with the flow and break the rules like others? Well, for one thing I did try to tie our dog up out back but his leg gets tangled and it's dangerous. I honestly can't bear to leave him alone out there. The gal next door has food dumped all over her patio to feed WILDLIFE (nasty wench)! I don't want my dog to get hurt, maybe she doesn't care about hers. The funny thing about wildlife is that it's WILD and unless it's sick or weakened it has no reason to need your garbage, which will in turn make them sick. Deer do not need to eat cheese popcorn off your back door and when the day comes when the food isn't there is she dumb enough to think a hungry junk food addicted sick deer won't kick in her patio door? No, it will probably be MY door it kicks.

Living here is making it very difficult to be a positive, friendly person and the older I get the less I care about being a bitch. I'm too nice anyway. I'm going to start treating nasty people nasty, I think, and stop being the one to set a good example. I suck at it though! I tried to let a pile of dog poo sit but came back for it because I really hate stepping in crap. I hate hating anything. I never used the word "hate" before moving here but I am starting to find hate in my heart compounded by frustration with society! My husband would have just said "I hate people", but I don't. I just get very angry with the people who act stupid so they can get away with doing what they please.

My adrenaline has gone down but I'm still fired up. How can I meditate and find inner peace when someone's dog is out my door barking violently at me in my home?!? What burns me up and grinds my gears is that I feel if I express my right to complain we're going to be seen as trouble makers and risk loosing our place to live. So we have to live in miserable conditions so that others can be happy breaking the rules. Why should we just have to take it???

Alien Abduction Dream???

Obviously this bothers me else I'd not be here trying to make note of it before it fades too far from memory. I've been sleeping terribly since we moved here and this week has been one of the worst times. What sleep I got last night was deep, and when I awoke today I felt energized. My stomache was very uncomfortable, and by the time my husband left for a late work shift my tummy bordered on painful. By all accounts there should be nothing wrong with my health, BTW. While hubby was still here we'd taken the dog out together and the dog stared off over the field looking concerned. I felt like something would be coming from that direction, as the dog seemed to think, and I said so out loud. Hmm, we thought. A little while later an enormous military refueling planepassed over VERY VERY LOW! Now, we are living near a military air base, but it's against the law to fly that low over residential areas. We actually braced ourselves for a while ecpecting impact, but no boom. My husband cracked a halfway joke about the fact that we also live in an area known for weirdness and UFO sightings so maybe they were looking for E.T. Ha, ha, we moved on with conversation. That event "could" have triggered my later dream as a suggestion, however I'm very non-suggestable and the kind of person who has never been hypnotyized so I do doubt suggestion. 

After he left for work my tummy felt better, I felt very peaceful -- enough so that I decided to lay down to watch tv. I don't generally do that and certainly not mid day. I'd taken a B 12 complex vitamin too and those generally give me energy. I could hardly believe it when I began to drift off to sleep! I was reminded of having surgery as a child because I didn't feel sleepy but had the need to sleep -- maybe the effects of a short nights sleep and the B 12. I managed to get out of the dream I was having but then fell right back to sleep. I was a struggle to get out of dreaming until I finally awoke at 9PM in the evening (41 min ago)!

Keep in mind I'm writing to make a personal record and not to entertain readers, so bare with me as I try to recount the dreaming. In the dream I remember waking up. I was alone laying down. There was a terrible itchy tickle sensation in one of my nostrils -- the left I think. I reached to my nose while sitting up. The room seemed to shimmer for a moment -- not an effect I recall in dreams before -- and I genuinly thought I'd awoken for real. The tickle got worse as I moved so I touched into my nostril with a litlle finger. It tickled like a dog hair was way up in my nose. Our little dog has 8 to 12 inch long tail fur so this could be possible. I went in after it. Yes, I felt a hair so I pulled. There was about 1/4 inch I was able to grab -- must be a long one indeed! As it came out of my nose it seemed to pull from way up in my sinus cavity -- woo what a sensation. Then it hurt a little and when I pulled the entire thing out it looked like black plastic about 4 to 5 inches long! It was thin as a horse hair on one end then gradually got as thick as a computer mouse cable like what connects your mouse to your computer -- quite thick!

I was totally grossed out by this and when my husband walked into the room I tried to tell him my concern about this weird thing. He told me to relax, lay back down because it's only one of the dogs wiskers. He picked up the thing that had just been inside my booger cave to show me -- this is NOT something he would do in real life, LOL! But yes, when he showed me it was indeed only a small black wisker. Then he told me I was still sleeping and should lay down so that I can wake up for real. What!? I'm almost always aware in dreams and never before recall a dream character telling me I was alseep. He pushed on my forehead to lower me back down to a laying posture and I did fall asleep or loose awareness.

I was again awoken in my sleep by a nose tickle sensation. This time when I opened my eyes I wasn't alone. A girl was standing next to my bed I didn't recognize. She said she was my room mate and I shouldn't mess with my nose -- just leave it. But I didn't so she then told me it was just a dog hair on my nose. I felt an ache up in my forehead and said this is no hair, WTF? So I got up and went to a bathroom mirror. I saw two tiny hairs sticking out of my nose and wiped them away. When I wiped over my nose it hurt. The girl came in and said I told you to leave that alone! I reached up into my right nostril and began to pull out a long bit of black plastic! This time it was even thicker than before and smarted when removed! I was in shock and freaked a little. She tried to calm me telling me it was only a pencil!? Oh, that's OK? My husband walked into the little room off of the larger one I'd been sleeping in and told me I was over reacting. I picked up the thing to show him and it indeed was a plastic mechanical pencil. As I held it the thing began to develope a white plastic tip like the portion on a pencil that holds the eraser! It wasn't like the way one thing will sometimes meld into another in my dreams either -- it shimmered and somehow seemed forced into being a pencil. See, look closely, my husband said. As I looked lettering in white began to show on the pencil changing from "Mead" to "Papermate" with the little trademark heart shape fading in and out. I got a little scared then. One is not supposed to be able to read in ones dreams! I knew this wasn't right and I must be dreaming but I couldn't wake up. I wanted to get out of there so I pretended to fall asleep until the other characters left the room. I put on clothes that weren't mine -- I couldn't find them -- to get out of there. I looked one more time at the so called pencil and saw it was now more like a rotary tool wand -- like a Dremmel! WTF!? Before I left I picked up my "roomates" puppy. I'd known it had been my puppy but was now going to be hers. I didn't think she should have it so I took it with me, placing it in a purse bag I suddenly seemed to have.

**Interjection here for a moment... in real life I have no children but have had doctors SWEAR I have birthed before. The last doctor was a high end specialist and he said "it's a wreck in there" from having so many babies! This man was not a dip shit but he did get offended when I told him I've had a misscarrage once but never gone full term. He called me a liar and said he didn't want me to come back because if I can't be honest then he can't be my doctor! This REALLY bothers me now. Doctors can tell by looking and supposedly there's nothing else that leaves track marks on a womans inerts like child birth. I've never birthed a baby guys and I interject this here because I do refer to human babies playfully as... "puppies"! **

So in the dream I headed off down the street with my "puppy" in the bag. It seemed I was in a collage town with very tall dark brick buildings. I didn't recognise any of the elements from past dreams or places in real life I'd visited -- that's usually how dreaming works. I had the feeling there baracks or dorm rooms with others like me inside who would understand my not wanting to stay in what was supposed to my home, so I went seeking them. I could feel the hardness of the ground under my feet but it felt smooth and not rugged like a sidewalk. I often go to a town in my dreams but I'd never seen this small city before. As I turned a corner on these empty city looking streets an old muscle car came zooming around the other corner after me. I could see inside the car but the gangsters I felt were in there only had blurry faces -- no detail from the shoulders up. Somehow I felt they wanted my puppy. I wasn't going to let brutes take her and had no idea what they would do to me so I ran. being careful not to hurt the puppy. I stopped at one point to catch breath and put the kitten inside a metal flask I seemed to also be carting inside the bag. Yes, kitten, for the puppy form was gone and I had this black eyed thing the size of a newborn kitten in my hand! It poured itself into the flask because it seemed to want to be saved or taken away. OK, weirdo, but it's a dream so I went with it. What else could I do but keep going? Nothing seemed to make sence, which again is VERY odd for my dreams -- I'm not a fantasy type person.

I finally reached a spot where I could see a doorway ahead at the end of the road. I knew this white building (not brick like the others) held people like me or at least friendly people -- somehow they would understand what was happening. I heard screaching tires as the ganster car rushed towards me. They didn't want me to get to that building! I bolted and just as the car almost reached me the door of the building opened. There were 3 or 4 guys at the bottom of steep steps -- I could see up into the building as I ran to it. The guys were waving me on to hurry. As I got to the door I swiftly tossed two metal flasks up the stairs to a girl who caught them. One flask was golden and the sivler toned one held the "kitten". As I threw I yelled out that there's a live kitten in that one. The gal at the top of the steps nodded understanding with shock and I ran on around the side of the building.

The car stopped following as I turned behind the building -- fenced off with no way out. There was a window to my right and the people in the building were trying to pull me inside to hide me. They were happy that someone was going to escape and I didn't really know I was escaping. Suddenly they stopped pulling on my clothes and looked behind. They all stood up straight and seemed dazed or at attention like soldiers. I looked behing me to see my husband naked walking slowly towards me. He's a very tall man but even before wondering why he was walking around a town naked I noticed his arms and legs seemed too long. When I looked at his face it shimmered. He opened his arms and said "darling" in a tone as if I were being rediculous. His voice had a gravel waver to it so I pointed saying "you're NOT my husband!" He said just relax and come back to us with peace. It will be over soon then you can indeed go home." I felt cold and looked down to see that my clothing was gone. Embarressed for a moment I looked at the others. They too were all naked and standing upright like manaquins in a warehouse. The gal who caught the flasks handed the silver toned one out the window to my husband character. He took it and when he touched my shoulder I fell asleep. Then I awoke in reality (I hope) in my home wondering WTF just happened.

Remember I'd said my tummy felt uncomfortable before my real husband left for work? I'd remarked to him that I felt like I was carrying a watermelon. My tummy felt heavy. The past three months I've gained so much weight my clothes don't fit over my tummy. My "period" had been weird last time so I was actually wondering if I was like one of those chicks on tv who didn't know they were pregnant but was in truth hoping to get that huge fart out of me, LOL! I tried to suck in my tummy but couldn't do it earlier. I just did. If I stand up, or sit up straight even, now and suck in the little bit of 30something fat I do have my belly goes mostly flat. It wasn't like that hours ago ... before I went to sleep. The pressure and pain is gone too. Maybe I ripped a big fart in my sleep. Bad gas can cause some funky dreams. I don't feel the same as I did this morning at all and I can't seem to get the image of the "kittens" black oval eyes out of my concious mind. Oh boy.

When my husband was leaving for work he reached around to lock the door before he left. I recall thinking that it wouldn't do any good. Then I recall thinking that was an odd thing to think. Maybe it didn't do any good to lock the door. :/

I'm an evidence based person who will keep an open mind understanding that humans haven't found evidence to proove all things and not all things are based in reality -- I'm open to possibilities, though not vulnerable. Despite social anxiety situations I'm about as balanced mentally as a person can become. My anxiety stems from real situations with real life people. My Mediumship skills allow me to recognise when the spirit of a dead person is visiting my dreams causing inward images that don't seem to be my own. This dreaming didn't seem like any of that. I've seen things in the sky first hand that cannot be explained but never want to look into or read about alien abductions because I say I just don't know how I feel about it. Some family members have confided that they think they get "taken", including my own sister, but I honestly think those individuals do have mental instabilities that can explain bad abduction type dreams. I've always passed it off as nutty. I might be nutty but I'm generally grounded in reality -- most people will say that of me... except for the OBGYN who swears I'm lying about birthing a dozen babies. What the capital letter F happedned to me today? Maybe I'm sleep deprived and wigging out. That's a comforting thought ... to just be a nutter.

Holiday Joy for the Anxiety Disordered - FREEDOM!

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Learn to identify an animal in need and rude vegans

Please use caution when handling ALL wild animals; including some vegans. I was watching the new HBO show True Blood last week when I spotted another aspect of humanity they'd like us to notice. See, the show is all about stereotypes, but not in the way one might expect; they flash them, flaunt them in our faces and force us to awareness. OK, cool. I laughed though, when the psycho chic on the show justifies her horrid behavior by touting her vegan-ism and carbon footprint as a balance to chaos. I laughed because I thought it was a humorous exaggeration. I've known plenty of vegetarians and vegans alike and have never seen a militant attitude expressed ... until today.

 An email arrived from a person who is encouraging people towards dangerous and Federally illegal behaviors. It's not all that serious, really, but she is certainly a freaky chic. I'd left a polite comment complimenting her efforts in her activity, but stated my well meaning warnings about handling wildlife. People can get sick, children and pets do die from illness -- I know this first hand. These were not the words I typed in my comment. I left opinion and scary words out and stayed with fact in regards to wildlife. This woman wrote me a rude email, using capital letters, to tell me I'm wrong. SHE knows the truth and is a clean person because she's a vegan. Wa????? What the f does what you eat have to do with wildlife disease here??? She's claiming that I am spreading myths because people can not get sick from animals! Dum, dum, dum. How does what you eat prevent rabies? No matter how clean you are a sneeze from a from a rescued rodent can still give you lepto -- ANY transfer of moisture can spread leptospirosis even if the animal is long gone! The virus only needs to remain moist and at the right temp. It doesn't matter how clean your blood is to stop certain illnesses from painfully dissolving your internal organs. Why does she think she's a better person just because of what she eats??? BS!!!

I'm offended. Her ignorant remarks belittle the trauma I've experienced. I'm not a fear spreader touting bird flu crazy. There's a reason our mothers told us not to play in the creeks, there's a good reason to call professionals to deal with an injured wild animal. It's WRONG to encourage the general public to handle these animals without telling the risks. Even dog pounds will hold newer animals away from the others, to at least check for signs of illness first before contaminating the whole building.

I'm not an expert with a degree but I have worked with animals my entire life, including one public zoo and a private zoo; I didn't feel the need to flash credential at her because she obviously wanted a fight. Lady, I have fought enough. I lost against disease and I too am "clean". I'm also very cautious with my animals, so it was a total shock for our household to have gotten struck down simply by walking through the safety of our own back yard.

This woman stated this ... "it s MYTH and FALSEHOOD to think that a human is endangered by handling wild life.   It DOES NOT HAPPEN.
It has not happened in my experience and I am a hands on person who is in a position to know." She knows everything, right? Know this one word lady; MICROBIOLOGY. PLEASE, be smart, unlike this woman, and handle wild animals with care. Always wash your hands after handling a wild animal and avoid allowing contact with your pets, thier toys, and your CHILDREN! It DOES HAPPEN you dumb wench. She is a fool -- please don't be one yourself. Whew, there I feel better.


A person found possessing wildlife illegally can be subject to fines, imprisonment and/or restitution. Do not attempt to feed or otherwise care for a nestling or fledgling. It's difficult, for one thing, and against federal law, for another. If a bird appears injured or truly orphaned, it must be handled by a licensed wildlife rehabilitation professional. Most libraries carry a national directory of wildlife rehab specialists; this is the person to contact when a young bird is in danger. Another resource is the nearest office of your state fish and wildlife agency.
A bird lying dazed on the ground following a head-on with a window needs assistance. Get a medium-size cardboard box and put the bird in it; a dish of water is optional, but never attempt to feed the bird or force it to drink. Put the box in a sheltered area, out of the sun and wind. In most cases it will need from 24 to 72 hours to fully recover. Do not attempt to feed the bird or “help” it fly.
Do not handle orphaned wildlife any longer than is necessary to contain them. Any handling will create unnecessary stress.

Please use caution when handling ALL wild animals. Always ensure the safety of the rescuer. Wear gloves and use a towel to pick them up. For larger animals, a cardboard box can be placed over top of them. Then slide a rigid board under the box and gently right the animal and secure the box with tape and ventilation holes. Wild animals are delicate and are always stressed when injured or orphaned. For your safety and theirs, please resist the urge to handle them any longer than necessary.

My Experience Project

Life itself has always been a sort of experiment for me. At least that is how I've looked upon it. Being the observer gave me a place within that society of which I felt to be seperated. Now at this place here I shall allow myself the luxery of just being "someone", and not who I perceive me to be. I'm not going to care if I spell this wrong or come off as stupid ... or arogant either. I probably think I'm better than all of you anyway, but wouldn't admit it even to myself. I'm going to keep my name to myself, and therefore allow myself to communicate what I want and want I need to express without the coded methods of my daily world. In the world of those who know me, where I admit who I think I am, I must restrain for fear of recognition. I must be ever vigalant to have care of what I say and how it is perceived. Family members are quick to complain if a painting resembles them or they find themselves in one of my fictitious characters. I live in a world of analogy and anagrams to relieve the stresses of my world. Here, at this site, I will admit things, I CAN admit things, I will speak as I cannot in other realms. And hopefully I will learn to build a door in the wall I contain myself inside. Then eventually perhaps I'll demolish the walls altogether and walk in the broad clear world. It's a start.

Admitting Agoraphobia

This was my first comment I made at this site. I thought it was perhaps something important for me to "grab" for future reference so I present it here.

 I'm agoraphobic too. I'm just now getting to the point where I can say that without getting defensive. I didn't think I was agoraphobic before because my character is to be outgoing. But time and experience has taken it's toll on my patience and I've simply begun to "prefer to stay at home". This type of Polyanna view of life where, "I live it because I like it", IS agoraphobia -- my world of my own making is far better, far safer, much happier than life out there could ever be for me, ect. We find ways to justify staying at home for whatever reasons. Our outgoing natures may have even developed as a way to compensate for agoraphobic feelings in early stages. I justify my preference for being at home by being "productive". It's still an unhealthy way to relate. Being an artist, I work at home. Whenever there's a social obligation I'd like to leave early or avoid altogether I can simply proclaim that I have to get some work done. I've found that taking small projects with me, even if I don't work on them, helps me feel better about going to family events and such. Many people would never suspect I'm agoraphobic and would probably argue that I'm the most extroverted person they've met. But I'm really not like that anymore. 

 So, these are the first words I've shared outside of my head and the doctors office about the subject. I joined here really just to get the chance to talk about it so I'm likely to be long winded. My point here is that it shows itself in many forms, but even outgoing, adventure loving people can be or become agoraphobic.

1-8 of 8 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Birthday Blues, posted December 15th, 2014
Noting a Spiritual Attack, posted December 10th, 2012
Staying Married, posted December 7th, 2011
Grinding My Gears, posted December 20th, 2009, 1 comment
Alien Abduction Dream???, posted December 18th, 2009, 3 comments
Holiday Joy for the Anxiety Disordered - FREEDOM!, posted December 4th, 2009
Learn to identify an animal in need and rude vegans, posted November 14th, 2008
My Experience Project, posted June 25th, 2007, 2 comments
Admitting Agoraphobia, posted June 18th, 2007

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